Story: To the fuck boys I never loved

Submitted to Resurrection of a Badasss Femmes zine

To the fuck boys I never loved,

I saw you coming a mile away.  There were parts of you that I wanted to embrace, because those parts of you reminded me of Him.  Mi papi.  

Because of Him, I knew you intimately, I knew how to spot you across a room, across the screen on my dating apps, you all look and act a certain way.  I did not need to see you to know you, because my heart was broken by one of your kind a long loooong time ago.

You take up space.  Your energy is vibrant, infectious, so as to make others forget to analyze themselves.  People get consumed into you, by you, and forget who they are.  That type of energy is felt, that much energy is visible.  You take up too much space that people are left without room to breathe.  Mi mami lost herself in this energy, and I saw her struggling to find herself, struggling to figure out how this happened to her, struggling to blame herself because she was not even sure she consented to this type of all-consuming-energy.  You take up way too much space, and hurt others around you.

You care about your looks, entirely too much.  You wear all the right clothes, all the right jewelry, hair always done, shoes always polished.  You make people feel lucky to be around you, to be associated with you.  But it is all an illusion, inside you hold darkness and anger, covered up by pristine ironed clothing and nice watches.  You create the illusion to distract people from what is within you.   You are a master of disguise.  Mi mami always looked tired next to Him, caring for her 3 kids, while taking care of His needs.  She was collateral damage for His ego.

You drive like you have something to prove.  Your vehicles have become extensions of your “manhood,” and you drive like someone is always watching, always judging.  No matter what is happening, your car needs to represent you.  Appearances are a total package for you, and that is of utmost importance.  You drive like the world owes you something, like you are always late, like you do not understand how traffic works.

You speak confidently about everything that you know and things you do not know.  When someone proves to have more knowledge than you, you leave the room, you lose interest.  If someone you know attempts to take up more space than you, that is grounds for terminating that relationship or rather yet ridiculing them publicly.  If that person happens to be Your daughter, then so be it.

You are proud.  Your reputation is more important to you than your actions.  You will present a face in public that is different than who you are in private.  You will blame every one else around you for things you did, to save face, even if that means blaming mi mami for things she never did, for thoughts she never had.  How you look to the few men you admire, is currency to you.  You hate yourself so much, that you pretend to love yourself and eventually you self-sabotage.

I saw you coming a mile away, and I stepped into those relationships with my eyes wide open but also with my heart too open.  My heart wanted to embrace you because my heart has always wanted to embrace Him.  

…even if He never embraced all of me.